When It Finally Happens

I had to make an urgent call to my therapist this week . He was completely booked and couldn't get me an appointment in such short notice. I did what I do next usually. Asked my cousin to let me know that nothing is wrong with me and that I am allowed to feel happy and excited.

If all that sounded like a bunch of gibberish, here is the deal. The Thevars are headed for a vacation. For me, it's much waited, much hoped, much more deserved trip. I get to see Eiffel Tower. This is our way of celebrating, "Hey we survived 10 years of marriage without killing each other. Good Job."  For me it's much more than that. It's about me being able to do it. It's about finally coming to a happy place. It's about achieving one of your goals in life. It's about realizing that life will be a bitch and you will still be ok. Drama much? Well, what's life without a little drama eh?

 There are really some very weird thing in life that I want to do/achieve. The real motivation for some of these things are not the best. When I was in 11th grade in India, we had a girl in my class who never wore the same outfit twice. All I kept telling myself was, "When I start making money, I will make sure I never wear the same outfit twice for at least two months". And it happened when I was in my second year of college. I was so darn proud of myself. And then I moved on to other things. It wasn't even a blip on my radar any more. It was more like, "Yeah. I am done. Next?"

Then the list kept growing.  Perfect watch, the perfect Red Hand bag, Bottega Venetta bag, sky high heels, limo ride, Eiffel Tower, hot guy and money.  It was super easy to get my hot guy. I am the lucky girl to find P-man(bad luck for him started right that second. haha). Along the years, it stopped being about the material things. It was the adrenaline rush that I get when I work my ass off to get these things. And I still am working towards others ( Read: Limo ride and BV bag). That's when the fear creeps in. That's when I call my therapist and say, "Everything is going good and I am getting nervous and itching to pick random crappy fight with Prabu just so I don't jinx the good times." 

When you grow up with bit more of "downs" than "ups", it is hard at times to stand without shaking when you feel you are at the top. It can be as simple as getting that first pay check or your first kiss. It feels the same. That's what I am having right now. But I know this too shall pass and I will walk away thinking, "over reaction much?" Till then, I will annoy my doctor, annoy my family and friends and best of all, I get to annoy the man for 10 more years.

No He Does Not Watch Them

Thevars went for dinner yesterday evening. While walking us to our table the hostess asked V if he watched any Hindi movies lately (No it wasn't an Indian restaurant. The hostess wasn't Indian either). V had a blank look on his face and to "rescue" him I told her that he doesn't watch Hindi movies and followed it up with a mumbling "He hasn't graduated much from Cars2 and Toy Story 3". This definitely had me thinking though. Because I got the "looks" from few when they find out that V hasn't watched much of Indian movies. We don't let V watch The Expendables, so why I would let him watch Baadshah. And V knows what Hindi language is. If you ask him what it is, he will say, "It's the language my mom and dad use when they have something to say in front of me that I shouldn't know about. It's their secret language."

The thing is though, I don't think V is missing out on any "Indian Culture" by not watching them. Some of the songs and movies lately are like soft-porn and/or make the MTV music videos hang their heads in shame. Yes, they are that bad. I even showed a song to my friend L and she thought the same. Yes, lot of kids watch Indian movies and yes, they are all fine. The Indian culture Prabu and I grew up in taught us that we are not to have "Special Snowflake Syndrome", we are to respect and have good manners. So did the American culture, African Culture, and any other culture that my friends are from. Them and their kids are doing A-ok. And in all honesty, I really want him to enjoy his Dinosaur Train, Octonauts and other silly kids shows. There is plenty of time to watch the crappy movies and stupid shows. What's the rush?

Here is the brat enjoying his Magic Tree House book while waiting for his dinner to arrive.

Knock Knock....

All the things you think don't pan out at times. You end up crying in front of your kid. You end up doing exactly the same thing you didn't want to do. Life is a bitch at times and it bites on certain days. Today was one such day. Getting cooked inside the house working long hours and not seeing sunlight for days doesn't make it any better. The thing is work is my solace at times. That's where I get my kicks. I work hard, I kick ass and I am damn fucking good at what I do (Yes this is where you go looking for the meaning of narcissist in the dictionary. Don't look for long, I am right here.). And like always, every time I put more hours at work, start feeling good, depression and doubt kicks in and it all comes tumbling down in a matter of seconds.

The fact of the matter is, my brat is my lucky charm. For me personally things have never been better than when we moved to AZ and we moved here when he was 6 months old. This is like the best and worst time of my life at times. I work, I make money, I have a life and that's about it. I probably have bunch of Nordstrom Rack receipts to prove that I make money. Nothing more and nothing less. For being such an impatient person, I got everything in life at the most slowest pace I can ever imagine. I never thought I would wait so long for the things I am waiting for. And I know there are things I can wait forever and I am not getting them (If I ever meet you God, hide, because I am gonna kick some ass when I get there).

So today V noticed I was sad and when I went to put him to bed this is what he had to say.

V: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

V: Hug

Me: Hug who?

V: Hug you every day every year.

That's my brat. I hope I don't mess up in parenting so much that he loses this funny side. The day might have been horrible but he made my night and many more days to come.

"Mafia Parenting"

You had a kid, you parent the kid. That's what I thought all along. I was wrong(I am usually never right in these things in case you missed the memo). I am not going to link up here but Wikipedia has an entire section on "Parenting Styles". Who would have thought? Well, I did. I started to think what my style is. And the answer was, "Mafia Style". Do what we tell you to do and you will be rewarded. Try funny business and you will get the consequences for it.You can come up with your own name for your parenting style but at the end of the day it's all give and take. I always make V an "Offer that he won't refuse".

Few weeks ago, my friend was telling me how she was called "mean mom" for not letting her 4 year old go to a different neighborhood by himself. I told her that the day V says, "You are so mean mom", would be the day I will pat myself in the back and say, "Good job". The only time your kid calls you mean mom or mean dad is when you are making sure they stay out of trouble. And I am sure this conversation sounds very familiar to all the parents out there (Including my own).

"But but but, A's mom lets them do it"
"You are more than welcome to go stay with A"
"ugggg"
"There are things A's parents do that we don't and there are things we do that A's parents don't"

Lather, rinse and repeat. We all want to be perfectly rational, super patient parents. And I know some of you out there are. Well, I am not. Sometimes I like to say, "Why should you do it? Because I said so dammit. And don't you dare say dammit again." Oh yes, I do. Is it fun to sit down and play monopoly with him. Yes, it is. But are there days when I don't feel like doing it and let him watch buubleguppies instead. Hell yeah!

Somehow, these kind of posts are expected to end with a note where I tell you how much I love V no matter what. Well, guess what, I am not going to tell you. I will say this though. Question my love for him, you will have no idea what's about to hit you ;). And if you question V about his love for me, he will say the same.

Chicken or Egg, Marriage or Kids

The recent news of a celebrity or whatever saying that she puts her marriage first and kid second got every one all up in arms. Some agree with her, some disagree with her and some just don't care (which is probably best thing to do at times). Funny this came to light now though. I had my share of dirty looks when I said my life does not revolve around V but he is just a part of it. Sorry, not going to happen. Doesn't mean I love him any less. Just that he is going to be an adult and walk out and I have me and P-man left in the house. So I need to get my priorities right.

For the last couple of years I have been thinking about the kind of impact my parents and others' marriage in my life had on me. And the answer always seems to be: Not that great. My parents are good (and may I say awesome) role models for parenting. They are awesome when it comes to being there for others. They are the last people you want to go for marriage advice though. I wonder if it's just a cultural thing. Not just them, there are others in my life who have been married for long and some how everyone seems to just become roommates after a while and not husband and wife.

Do we just get so comfortable with each other that we don't care or is it just what marriage is all about?  There are great mothers and great fathers, but those same exact people fail to be great wives and husbands at times. And then we keep passing this awesome bad marriage genes to generations. I have my advice ready for when V turns 21 (He doesn't care at that point but I am still going to tell him). Don't get married. If you do get married, don't have kids. Every one goes in thinking, "I am not going to do that to my kid" or "I will make sure I am not my mom/dad". But guess what? You are blood/dna/genes of your parents. You can not escape from it. And there in lies the problem. All of them think "I will not do this to my kid" but no one for a second stops to think, "I will not treat my spouse like that". The day that happens is the day we can break the bad marriage gene.

Major Doubt

V has been home since yesterday as he had fever. He is feeling and doing much better today. So in the afternoon he was doing some  painting and I was sitting next to him working away. He started a conversation which left me wanting to find a parenting manual so I can look for the "perfect" or "right" answer. Here it goes...

V: Amma, who will take care of me when you die?
Me: (recovering from the shock of the question)You can go live with Chaitu mama. (what the heck do I say....what what what)
V: But who will take me to Jersey. It's a long flight.
Me: He will be here to take you honey (he will be here anyway if I am dead....what the heck am I thinking)
V: ok. Then I am good.
Me:Actually, if I am not around, appa will still be here to take care of you  (I don't even remember my name anymore)
V: Oh yeah! That's right. Appa is older than you so that should be ok.

I swear on all things parenting, kids need to come with their own manuals. I have certain conversations in my head that I know will eventually happen. So I am prepared (kind of) for those. This one, I was not. I must say, one part of me was glad that it was a very casual talk for him and he didn't think it was a big deal to ask that. He was just genuinely curious and concerned about the scenario. Oh my Brat!

What Happens When....

everything is going smooth? I disappear like this from blogging. I didn't realize that its been almost 6 months since I last posted till my aunt asked me if I am still writing. When I started this blog it was to keep every one posted on V and then it turned out into my venting board. I moved away form family to a new state and was trying to find myself and it was a new life. I didn't know anyone in here, was struggling with PPD, PMDD and whatever the hell there is out there. So I would come here, bitch about the good, the bad and the ugly. More about the bad and the ugly than the good.

Now it's a bit different. I have friends in Phoenix (boy does it feel good to say that out loud). My girls that I can call at 2am just to talk. My lovelies that will drop everything to come give me a hug when I need one.Whatever I used to write here, I now talk to them about it. Poor things, they are probably thinking of moving out of Phoenix :). But I think I can still use the space to post updates on V and other things.

V is 6 now, in first grade and is doing good. We just got back from visiting family in NJ for two weeks. It has been an awesome trip. We are glad we spent time with the family. We are equally glad to be back home and our back to school routine starts tomorrow. Here is a latest picture of V playing in the snow in NJ last week.