I had to make an urgent call to my therapist this week . He was completely booked and couldn't get me an appointment in such short notice. I did what I do next usually. Asked my cousin to let me know that nothing is wrong with me and that I am allowed to feel happy and excited.
If all that sounded like a bunch of gibberish, here is the deal. The Thevars are headed for a vacation. For me, it's much waited, much hoped, much more deserved trip. I get to see Eiffel Tower. This is our way of celebrating, "Hey we survived 10 years of marriage without killing each other. Good Job." For me it's much more than that. It's about me being able to do it. It's about finally coming to a happy place. It's about achieving one of your goals in life. It's about realizing that life will be a bitch and you will still be ok. Drama much? Well, what's life without a little drama eh?
There are really some very weird thing in life that I want to do/achieve. The real motivation for some of these things are not the best. When I was in 11th grade in India, we had a girl in my class who never wore the same outfit twice. All I kept telling myself was, "When I start making money, I will make sure I never wear the same outfit twice for at least two months". And it happened when I was in my second year of college. I was so darn proud of myself. And then I moved on to other things. It wasn't even a blip on my radar any more. It was more like, "Yeah. I am done. Next?"
Then the list kept growing. Perfect watch, the perfect Red Hand bag, Bottega Venetta bag, sky high heels, limo ride, Eiffel Tower, hot guy and money. It was super easy to get my hot guy. I am the lucky girl to find P-man(bad luck for him started right that second. haha). Along the years, it stopped being about the material things. It was the adrenaline rush that I get when I work my ass off to get these things. And I still am working towards others ( Read: Limo ride and BV bag). That's when the fear creeps in. That's when I call my therapist and say, "Everything is going good and I am getting nervous and itching to pick random crappy fight with Prabu just so I don't jinx the good times."
When you grow up with bit more of "downs" than "ups", it is hard at times to stand without shaking when you feel you are at the top. It can be as simple as getting that first pay check or your first kiss. It feels the same. That's what I am having right now. But I know this too shall pass and I will walk away thinking, "over reaction much?" Till then, I will annoy my doctor, annoy my family and friends and best of all, I get to annoy the man for 10 more years.